If you follow me on Instagram you may know that I have been back at work, full time, for nearly 2 weeks.
So I thought I’d do a blog post about how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking about being back at work with a 6 month old. But first, a little background information.
When I first found out I was pregnant I told work that I would only need 3 months off and then I would be returning. I love my job and couldn’t imagine being away for any longer than 3 months. Plus my incessant need not to miss out on things causes paranoia of being replaced so I NEEDED to go back.
That was, until Atty was born. Looking back now I wonder how I ever considered only taking 3 months of when 6 months didn’t feel like enough for me. I never anticipated loving being a Mummy more than I loved being a nurse. And it’s not a ‘more or less’ situation now. It is a very very different love.
I can’t pretend to be one of those people who needs their own space, or wants to just be able to be themselves again. Don’t get me wrong, its great to be able to go to the toilet alone, or eat a sandwich without a little hand grabbing it from me. But I would genuinely be happy living the rest of my life being exclusively known at ‘Atlas’ Mummy’. But someone has to pay the bills.
I’ve already touched on some of the positives of being back at work, being able to eat, adult conversation (although I have all but forgotten how to string a sentence together), going for a wee in peace, etc. etc.
These are all brilliant. But, honestly? I’m finding it really hard.
I find myself wondering what Atty is doing, what he had for lunch, has he had his nap, does he wonder why i’m not there, has he got suntan lotion on, did one of his very precious (few) hairs fall out of his perfect head?
It is also physcally taking its toll on me. Atlas is a crappy crappy sleeper, i’ve never suggested otherwise and, while i’m still breastfeeding, it is me doing all of the wake ups during the night. I recently started wearing a fitbit and the sleep stats are super upsetting! Working 8.5 hours a day on little to no sleep is taxing, and my brain power is suffering big time.
I’m also finding expressing milk difficult. Which has lead to an undersupply of milk, which in turn, has led to me allowing Mr K to go out and buy some formula for my little bug. I’m hoping to keep up with the morning, evening and night time feeds and Mr K. can top Atty up with the formula when he needs it *sob*. This is definately what i’m finding most doffocult to get my head around at the moment. I’m not one of those ‘breast is best’ fascists who insist that ALL women should breastfeed. However, because I have been one of the lucky ones who has found it easy I just presumed that I would continue until he no longer requires it. I can’t help but feel like I’ve failed him a little bit.
But I wont dwindle on that because i’ll make myself cry!
For anyone who doesn’t know, I am lucky enough that my husband was willing to give up his job to be a stay at home Dad. This has definitely helped relieve some anxiety as I know that if i can’t be the one to care for Atty that Mr K. is definitely the best alternative.
I think i’ll end this post here as I could whittle on for hours about the highs and lows.
To conclude, my job is wonderful and I do love being back there. However, if I won the lottery tomorrow, they’d be an Aless shaped hole in the wall and I would be right back at my boy’s side.